Dieter: I have struggled most of my life with weight
Calorie Deficit Guru: “you probably just need a bigger calorie deficit”
Dieter: I have been tracking for a long time and my last diet had me at 950 calories, do you think that was too low?
Calorie Deficit Guru: “were you doing any cardio, maybe lifting weights from time to time?”
Dieter: Yes and no, I literally had no energy.
Calorie Deficit Guru: “you probably just need a cheat meal”
Dieter: Every time I do cheat meals I feel so guilty, my weight spikes up, I get explosive diarrhea and it sometimes sets up a binge cycle.
Calorie Deficit Gure: Yeah, that’s common.
Dieter: Do you think your program can help me?
Calorie Deficit Guru: Absolutely we can, we have an app.
Dieter: If I have a question can someone in the app answer.
Calorie Deficit Guru: no, it doesn’t do that, it’s based on the “we barely give a **** algorithm that we created that automatically reduces calories when you don’t lose weight”
Dieter: So you think I am eating too much?
Calorie Deficit Guru: Almost certainly, otherwise you would be losing weight right, I mean it’s science. DUH
Dieter: I am not sure
Calorie Deficit Guru: we have a $99.95 challenge starting next week, I can still squeeze you in.
Two weeks later…..
Dieter: My calories are much higher than I was previously eating and I have gained 5 pounds, who can I talk to?
Calorie Deficit Guru: Are you in the FB group? How’s your consistency, can’t get the smiles if you don’t do the miles.
Dieter: Yes, it seems like a lot of people that eat diet jello and complain about not losing any weight. But no real coaching to speak of. My consistency is fine, I am pretty sure that isn’t the issue.
Calorie Deficit Guru: Once, again, you aren’t wrong. Have you seen the posts about my super secret NINJA group? (with a small window of opportunity created GURU is now convinced it’s a consistency issue and suggests FOUR more weeks at these macros just to make sure)
Dieter: Yes I have and frankly I don’t want to spend the money because like I said, I am up 5 pounds, no one is helping and this feels like virtually everything else I ever did except now I know exactly how little I am eating. Hell Paleo was better than this, even Keto got me better results than you are.
Calories Deficit Guru: Those are fad diets DIETER, they are bullshit. Would Fred Flintstone eat a Rice Krispy Bar if he was hungry. I think you know the answer.
Dieter: What the hell does that have to do with me.
Calorie Deficit Guru: “You can’t coach effort”
Dieter: “What?” now you are just quoting meme’s
Calorie Deficit Guru: “Let’s be honest with ourselves DIETER, are you really logging ALL your food?”
Calorie Deficit Guru: Really though?
DIETER: I think I am done.
Calorie Deficit Guru: Come back when you are ready to get serious.
DIETER: **** ***
Calorie Deficit Guru: Have you had your cortisol checked, you are pretty angry.
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