Chronic Dieter talks to Calorie Deficit Guru

Dieter: I have struggled most of my life with weight

Calorie Deficit Guru: “you probably just need a bigger calorie deficit”

Dieter: I have been tracking for a long time and my last diet had me at 950 calories, do you think that was too low?

Calorie Deficit Guru: “were you doing any cardio, maybe lifting weights from time to time?”

Dieter: Yes and no, I literally had no energy.

Calorie Deficit Guru: “you probably just need a cheat meal”

Dieter: Every time I do cheat meals I feel so guilty, my weight spikes up, I get explosive diarrhea and it sometimes sets up a binge cycle.

Calorie Deficit Gure: Yeah, that’s common.

Dieter: Do you think your program can help me?

Calorie Deficit Guru: Absolutely we can, we have an app.

Dieter: If I have a question can someone in the app answer.

Calorie Deficit Guru: no, it doesn’t do that, it’s based on the “we barely give a **** algorithm that we created that automatically reduces calories when you don’t lose weight”

Dieter: So you think I am eating too much?

Calorie Deficit Guru: Almost certainly, otherwise you would be losing weight right, I mean it’s science. DUH

Dieter: I am not sure

Calorie Deficit Guru: we have a $99.95 challenge starting next week, I can still squeeze you in.

Two weeks later…..

Dieter: My calories are much higher than I was previously eating and I have gained 5 pounds, who can I talk to?

Calorie Deficit Guru: Are you in the FB group? How’s your consistency, can’t get the smiles if you don’t do the miles.

Dieter: Yes, it seems like a lot of people that eat diet jello and complain about not losing any weight. But no real coaching to speak of. My consistency is fine, I am pretty sure that isn’t the issue.

Calorie Deficit Guru: Once, again, you aren’t wrong. Have you seen the posts about my super secret NINJA group? (with a small window of opportunity created GURU is now convinced it’s a consistency issue and suggests FOUR more weeks at these macros just to make sure)

Dieter: Yes I have and frankly I don’t want to spend the money because like I said, I am up 5 pounds, no one is helping and this feels like virtually everything else I ever did except now I know exactly how little I am eating. Hell Paleo was better than this, even Keto got me better results than you are. 

Calories Deficit Guru: Those are fad diets DIETER, they are bullshit. Would Fred Flintstone eat  a Rice Krispy Bar if he was hungry. I think you know the answer.

Dieter: What the hell does that have to do with me. 

Calorie Deficit Guru: “You can’t coach effort”

Dieter: “What?” now you are just quoting meme’s

Calorie Deficit Guru: “Let’s be honest with ourselves DIETER, are you really logging ALL your food?”


Calorie Deficit Guru: Really though?

DIETER: I think I am done.

Calorie Deficit Guru: Come back when you are ready to get serious.

DIETER:  **** ***

Calorie Deficit Guru: Have you had your cortisol checked, you are pretty angry.